I started feeling sick at dinner with a friend on Monday. Stomach turning, mind drifting, not violently ill, but out of sorts. It was distracting but I hadn’t seen her in a while and I was driving the both of us, so I pushed through but ended the night a little early.
On Tuesday, I got the same feeling at work, but this time the turning of my stomach was “productive”. After a couple of trips to the restroom I thought I would be fine. But still the sourness in my stomach and the distance of my mind continued. All throughout the day I made stupid mistakes. Putting the wrong name on a party reservation, copying downa a credit card number wrong and easy easy mathematical problems that I could do asleep were giving me issues. I knew something was definitely wrong.
Today I layed in bed for half an hour after my alarm went off debating whether to even get up. Is this depression? Am I “sick”? the flu is going around am I catching it? Or is all of this in my head?
I shot off a quick email to a friend for support and she encouraged me to get up and go to work and if I couldn’t handle the whole day to come home early. But to at least give it a try.
As I was driving to work, I realized what I was feeling. It was as if a wave of pent up emotions had been boiling inside and I just needed a release. I recognized the immediate urge to cry for absolutely no reason at all.
I know I’m not pregnant, so maybe this is another symptom of menopause. There are so many emotions flooding through me right now I need to just cry and sob and rack my emotions out. But I’m not a cryer.
Many years ago I made myself quit crying. Sure, I will cry at every single episode of Parenthood, and I will sob wrecklessly when I hear Blue Bayou or The Rose. But the meaningless cry just because I am sad about my life or my situation? No. That’s no longer allowed.
So I sit here and write to you instead. Do you allow yourself to cry? Do you allow yourself to feel sad or alone? Any and all advice is welcomed.
I think I am oging to take a mental health day and go see Les Mis. That should get some of the tears out of me.